Today the big story continues a recurring theme of conversations. We talked about assumptions in conversation previously, and today, we took it to the next step and asked questions to help people tell us their stories. Questions allow us to listen and our conversational partners to go from declarations to discussions. Let's talk!

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The best way to diffuse a situation or put another person at ease is to ask a question. This works in multiple situations, especially if the conversation is in a tense environment, to begin with. Getting anyone who feels a sense of ownership of the topic of conversation to answer questions about the situation can reduce the tension; after all, you are asking questions because you don't have all the answers. You seek information, and your counterpart is more open to explaining or, better yet, telling you an even better story.

Below are a few conversations that can be improved by asking questions. These examples involve people with genuine concerns, not people looking for confrontation. In that case, questions can quickly tell you this is not a conversation, it's a lecture, and you get to decide how long you want to be involved.

Dealing with a frustrated customer, ask them questions, get all the details and information necessary to resolve. As they answer the questions, the picture will become clear as to where the frustration came from and what, if anything, can be done to resolve the issues. Sometimes the service issue is part of a more significant issue with your customer, and you are the last domino to fall. The only caveat is how you ask your questions; it has to be based on the conversation and not off a script. Done the right way, a bad customer experience can turn into a super fan based on the questions you ask, how you listen, and how you follow up.

Questions are your friends if you find yourself talking with friends and complex topics arise. Politics, religion, and most things involving culture are either a pep rally or an argument. If you want to avoid the argument, ask questions. I recently had a conversation with someone about the Iran Nuclear Agreement. I know very little about the agreement, except the stated goal of reducing sanctions against Iran in exchange for monitors that could reduce the ability of Iran to become a nation with the capacity to possess a nuclear weapon. The person I was conversing with explained why the agreement didn't work. I asked questions about the agreement's goal and if a nuclear-capable Iran would be an acceptable option. I walked it up a little higher with each answer until I got to a commonplace. 

Conversations that start like this:

"We need this thing, but I don't like how the thing is being done, or usually, I don't like the people trying to do the thing we need to do." You can take it in several directions. One, you can wear your friend out, and when the answers are gone, talk about something else, or they will move on looking for a better ally. Two, you can ask another question along the same lines that might interest them and allow them to walk you through something that is working and something they see as a less divisive topic. Ask them if they have ever coached a youth sports team, what it was like to wrangle up parents or volunteered anywhere, and all the stories you can pull from experiences like that. They will leave the conversation with you better than they came into it. 

Questions are great for talking with your kids for all the same reasons outlined above. Similar to the warning about talking from a script, the questions you ask your kids should be specific to whatever difficult conversation you might be having and not general questions that seem to pander to what can seem like scripted empathy. Ask the right questions, and you can open your kid up, be mindful of adding too many "When I was your age..." responses; kids don't love those.

In some circumstances, great questions can distract someone from an acute episode they need to escape instantly. When another person slides down a spiral, ask a funny, outlandish, or unexpected question – this can jolt the person spiraling to break from the spiral as they try to wrap their head around what you just said. Once you move them off "Rumination Mountain," you can walk them back and start defining the issues and coming up with solutions.

The idea for today's post came from a "friend of the work," Jim VandeHei from Axios and his newsletter. His newsletter isn't specifically about questions; it's more a short piece on simple workplace principles. VandeHei starts with positive assumptions and that interactions with people at work are better when you assume people are generally good and want to work together. He adds that talking to people vs. texting, especially when the talk might need to be tough. After that, he emphasized Listening, where we thought about questions. The best way to listen is to ask a question.

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Ryan Holiday hits the Sound Check today with another short read reminding us that we have what we need to take care of most things. You must know how to blow your own nose.

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With A Shout newsletter is written by Johnny Christian with the support of a thousand idea bits and the help of many people.

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